Busy and Hectic is Not my Style

Overcommitment, balancing priorities, and figuring out how to optimize my college life to what I want it to be

Being a freshman 2.0 is not as simple as it may seem. First in-person classes, figuring out how to balance a schedule I committed to, and feeling a little lost. It’s hard to describe this feeling I’m feeling, but I don’t fully feel like myself.

I’ve been looking for this feeling of reassurance, that I’m doing everything right since I got back to campus, but I think that reassurance has to come from within myself. And maybe I’ll know it when I feel it. But for now, time to myself is virtually nonexistent. From morning to night I’m in classes, studying, trying to find time to feed myself, struggling with understanding content for my major. There’s no time for me to stop and say “Hey, do I even like what I’m pursuing? Am I orienting my life in a direction in a way I want to go?” How can I explore this person Savannah is supposed to be when I’m trying to finish homework assignments, projects, study for tests? I have all these personal pursuits that I want to continue to explore, including my writing and publishing here, but they’re currently at a stand-still.

Last semester I experienced this problem of overcommitment, taking a whopping 20 credit hours, and promised myself I wouldn’t do it again. Because when you overcommit myself, you deny yourself the possibility of any deeper understanding of content you’re learning in core classes, the possibility of being able to “have it all”, having time to explore yourself as well. And I don’t want it to be that way. Even though I wish I had time to explore all the wonderful opportunities I’ve come across, I have to figure out what’s most important to me and focus on exploring and learning those things right now.

So what I’ve decided is to get my school life in order. Lose the commitments I don’t value as much, and decide what it is that I do value. It might require dropping an extra class, learning how to say no to things that aren’t serving me and contributing to helping me develop into the person I want to be and the life that I want to have. And I hope I can do it. I need to be able to. Otherwise I might lose sense of myself entirely. I love Savannah, I love who she is and who she will be, and I don’t want to lose her. It’s time to optimize my life to fit my needs.

I’m not complaining. I do love some parts of school, and I feel so lucky to be here, but I want to be that type of busy that I don’t care that I’m so busy because my own personal interests and path to my future are already built into my day. At the end of the day, I find myself exploring these questions while falling asleep. When I’m barely awake, these questions plague me. “Are you on the right path? What ARE you pursuing? What does a potential future look like for you?” And the problem is that there’s so many answers to this question, and my mind can’t quite grasp the possibility of only exploring one of them. So what do I do? I don’t know. I don’t know. That seems to always be the (temporary) answer.

I’ve been feeling this way for a long time, even before my college career began. I want to be clear on my path, clear on what I’m pursuing, but it’s not that easy, no matter how much I wish it was.

I’ve been thinking about steps I can take to feel clearer though. Whether it be talking with an advisor about how I’m feeling, exploring different options (like I’m trying to this semester, which I talked about here). I’m wondering how all the people before me navigated their lives in college and how they knew where they were going. They probably didn’t. And if that’s the case, how can I find out?

If these are feelings that everyone has, why does no one seem to talk about them? I can’t be the first person to feel this way.

Hoping I can optimize my college life soon, better define my future path, and explore both my wants and needs.

Until next time,

Savannah