the two hair-tie theory 🟡 🟣

yellow & purple, purple & yellow

*Click*

The shutter on the camera snapped as the child sitting in front of it forced the toothiest smile possible.

Onto the next, the line shuffled forward - if you could even call it a line. Asking a group of four and five year-olds to stand in line is an impossible task, so this “line” ended up looking more like a well-organized blob, with little feet stepping out, jumping up and down, the chatter getting louder every minute more they were asked to stand and wait patiently for their turn.

The little girl sat down, dressed in one of the various costumes the photo company had provided, this one a sailor’s uniform (she could never be a sailor at the age of four, but looked like she was ready to take on the seas regardless). Still young enough to be fearless, young enough to be exactly who she was, nothing more, nothing less. Years after this, her smiles would look forced as she thought too much, but as a four, almost five year-old, she loved dressing up and imagining she was a sailor on the far-out sea, or a tennis player about to play her next match, or even a city girl out on the town, going to see her grown-up friends.

Her honey brown hair hung in two braids tied with mismatched hair ties, one purple, one yellow, and as she placed the sailor cap on her head, she flipped one braid behind her shoulder, and excitedly grabbed her hat, smiling mischievously for the camera, her eyes already anticipating the next pose she would make. She was in her element, even if this was something she had never done before.

This little girl was me, and the year was 2006.

Sailor Savannah circa 2006

Often times I ask myself what makes me, me? Now being 23, it’s hard to remember being five years-old, hard to remember what my life was like before it was my life. Before I began to make decisions for myself, before many of the experiences that shaped my life had occurred.

I recently found myself staring at the picture above and noticed something I’d never noticed before: the hair-ties tying my braids were two different colors, and not only two different colors, my two favorite colors, purple and yellow.

Weird details like this in my life always seem to align, and always make me think it’s all connected (really).

How did this little person somehow know who I was before I was even aware of it? How did I know I liked the colors purple and yellow before I even knew who I was going to be? What innate force within us tells us we prefer one thing over another, tells us right from wrong?

Even more so, at times when I feel a little lost, I look back on these photos and feel comforted by the fact that I knew who I was going to be at such a young age, and it makes me feel that much more certain about the decisions I make now.

If little Savannah knew what was innate to her, what she liked and disliked, and what she wanted, even if it was just what she wanted to eat for dinner or which shoes she wanted to wear that day (her pink Skechers of course), 23 year-old Savannah certainly has the power to trust her intuition and her mind, for they already know what I want before I ask the question.

How do we get back to who we are at the core, who we were before we compared ourselves to others and based our own worth on their actions, before we sought validation from people close to us rather than from our ourselves?

Fast forward 16 years later, and there are times I still feel like that little girl, living with no fear and being unapologetically myself, but other times, I get stuck inside my head. I have, at times, let my fears take hold of my mind, have made decisions based on them, and assumed the worst outcome before I assumed the best.

Time and time again, I’m reminded that self-belief is such a powerful thing. You can go to war with yourself, reinforce the “fact” that you’re less then, that you’ll never achieve a dream that seems so far away, and you can focus on your worst qualities, on your weaknesses, on how difficult your life seems to be, etc, but doing any or all of these things will never allow you to achieve positive progress, and they will never allow you to feel strength; you’ll be surrounded by darkness until you realize how easy it is to see the light.

Your life moves in the direction of your most powerful thought. In other words, what you believe, you become.

During this last semester of college, I’ve felt periods of intense strength and also periods of unsureness, of weakness. The next step has not always been clear, and even though I didn’t always know how to approach what was coming, I came out stronger each and every time.

My ability to live without criticizing myself too harshly has been tested time and time again especially these past few months. I’ve asked myself questions like “What comes next after I finish school? What if I can’t pull through? What if I fail?” What if?

My two options when I have these thoughts are either to chastise myself, to tell myself that I’m not good enough, that I’m not going to make it because I’m having trouble understanding concepts, and that I will never be “smart” enough, OR recognize that because the content I’m learning is new and something that I’ve never seen before, it will be difficult at first. Understanding comes with time, by allowing myself to utilize the resources provided to me, and also with remembering that I’ve been alive for 23 years, and for 23 years, I’ve always relied on myself, honed my ability to trust my instinct, and that has always been enough.

I’m not the “best” version of myself yet, but right now, I’m the best version of myself to ever exist. And so are you. And each of us will only become better if we allow ourselves to learn from our mistakes.

Making mistakes and having the ability to learn from them is a privilege. There will never be a need to scrutinize your past self, because you were doing the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Mistakes are inevitable, but if we can learn from them, it makes the future that much more clear, and that much more approachable.

We live and we learn from our experiences and from each other, and our lives only become more complex and increasingly beautiful as a result. We are the sum of our choices, but also the living proof that we can make mistakes and keep going, fall and keep moving forward, succeed and continue to redefine what success means to us, and ultimately continue to grow and learn forever.

Sometimes I shy away from my strengths or refuse to fully realize the extent of my gifts because it’s a little overwhelming to think about all that I could become. And it’s hard sometimes to see beyond the “walls” of college.

It’s not validation that we need, but reinforcement, a reminder of how far we can and will go if we allow ourselves to be, well, ourselves.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it wasn’t built alone. Asking for help, communicating your wants, hopes, and needs, is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength, and I continue to learn this time and time again.

This quote from Nothing’s latest product announcement stood out to me recently:

“There’s a light alive in me. My spark can’t be turned off, but sometimes, I forget it’s there, ignore the flicker, so to speak, that’s where others come in… there is power in empowerment… my bright ideas are fueled by togetherness.”

There is power in empowerment. And that empowerment comes from within ourselves, from the people we surround ourselves with, from the ideas that drive us and that light a fire within us, from what we choose to engage in, from what we read, consume, etc. You and you alone get to choose the path you follow, no one else.

It is your duty to advocate for yourself, for your future, to put yourself first, and set boundaries and create habits that will work to empower you.

Think back to when you were five. You didn’t worry about what people thought about you, you didn’t worry about making the right decisions, and most importantly, you didn’t question who you were. If you can allow yourself to live without judgement, to believe that somehow, everything will work out, and to remember that at your core, you’ve always been you, you might just feel a little lighter and at peace with all that is to come.

The two hair-tie theory is exactly this, the idea that everything you need is already within you. It always has been.

It’s trusting your intuition, trusting that you know yourself best, and having the courage to listen to yourself first and foremost, and not letting others drown out your own inner voice.

“Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

- Steve Jobs

Five year-old Savannah was drawn to purple and yellow for some cosmic reason innately built within her, and that innate sense lives within me still, ever growing in strength with every choice I make.

Five year-old Savannah didn’t question her future because she knew it would be bright, and 23 year-old Savannah continues to do the same.

Life is simple, we make it complex. Choose simple, have the courage to be yourself in every sense of the word. Everyone else is already taken :)

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Out of my mind & straight to yours 🐠💭 ,

Savannah 🌙